Dr. Kat Van Kirk explains how to make it easier for yourself to orgasm.
Ask the Sexpert
Increasing Orgasm Control
Dear Dr. Kat,
I’m a 26 year old female who has never been able to have an orgasm when I wanted to. If I do orgasm it seems to happen almost by accident. I’m not currently in a relationship but I made a decision to focus on my sexuality for myself. Where do I begin? How can I become more orgasmic?
Congratulations on giving yourself such a wonderful gift. You’d be surprised (or maybe you wouldn’t) at how many women still go practically their whole lives without the sexual fulfillment of becoming orgasmic. Luckily, learning to orgasm purposely is like picking up any new skill. It involves awareness, practice, and once you’re with a partner communication.
Once you know what you’re working with you can begin to figure out what kind of stimulation gets you off.
Don’t forget about the importance of getting yourself worked up. Sometimes women relax so much into masturbation that they don’t end up arousing themselves enough. Create some intensity by using fantasy, erotic literature, or sexy images. If you’ve never bought an adult video, buy one for yourself. After all, why should men have all the fun? And Libida's guide to video can help you figure out what you might like. Everyone says the brain is the most powerful sex organ for a reason, be sure you use it. Try focusing on a specific fantasy or behavior that turns you on while masturbating one time and then the next just focus on the sensation of what you’re physically doing to yourself. Most women use a combination of fantasy and physical stimulation to reach orgasm.
After you’ve developed some comfort with your body and you know what arousal works for you, you can begin to branch out by trying other techniques like reaching orgasm through G-Spot and anal stimulation. Who knows you may even be able to have multiple orgasms or female ejaculate.
No all of these skills you’ve learned through masturbation will be completely transferable to eventually orgasming with a partner. Many women have had to learn to orgasm the opposite way – first with a partner and then with themselves. But if you don’t know what stimulation works for you, how can your partner? Anyway, the next main challenge to orgasming with a partner is learning to communicate your sexual needs and desires. Get used to asking for what you want (verbally and non-verbally). Sometimes learning to talk dirty is a way to direct the action in addition to creating more arousal. When having sex with a partner, many women forget about themselves and focus completely on the other purpose. While some attention to your partner is great, don’t forget about your own needs. You deserve pleasure too!
~Dr. Kathleen Van Kirk