Ask the Sex Expert

Vibrator is threat to my lover

Dear Ann,

I love my vibrator. I have used it faithfully for ten years, and it gives me reliable orgasms, every time. The problem is not with my vibrator, it's with my boyfriend. We've only been dating for about two months, and he doesn't want me to use my vibrator when we're together (frankly, not when I'm alone, either, but that's another story...). And so, no orgasms for me during sex. What can I do to convince him my vibrator's a pal, not a threat?

Dear Good Vibrations,

Obviously, the only solution here is to dump your guy. I mean, you can't dump your vibrator, right?

Okay, perhaps -- just perhaps -- there's some middle ground. The fact is, many men can be threatened when their girlfriends whip out a vibrator during sex. Sneaky thoughts crowd their brains: Is this because my sexual techniques, gleaned from hundreds of Playboy centerfold tips and bathroom walls, are faulty? Could it be that I'm not, as I've long suspected, hung like a mule? Good God, I'm not a good lover at all!.

What many guys don't know is that most women -- some estimates say as many as 70% -- can't climax (fancy word for the big 'O') during penetration without some form of clitoral stimulation. If your guy is super limber and can get his tongue down there while he's going at it, that might work. A little finger stroking can do the job, too. Or, because tongues and fingers can wear out before you do, a vibrator can be just the ticket.

Try a couple's vibrator like a vibrating penis ring that he can wear and you both an benefit from. Do it together.

What you might want to try is eroticizing your vibrator, making it seem like an accessory, not a replacement or an indication of a failure on his part. Try introducing it outside of your typical routine -- you play Sex Toy Sally, the stripper, and give him a wad of dollar bills to tip you with. Or ask him to watch you as you masturbate with your vibe. Include him in your vibrator exploration as well -- guys like vibration, too, especially on the balls and head of the penis. These things might make your toy less threatening.

If he still seems nervous, sit him down -- not when you're having sex -- and ask him what's up. Reassure him that his Playboy centerfold sex tips work, and that he is your number one studmonkey. Hopefully, he'll come around. If all else fails, make a deal: You'll happily give up your orgasms, if he'll give up his.

~Ann Whidden

Related Topics:

How to Introduce a Sex Toy to a Lover

Couple's Sex Toys