Ask the Sexpert

Trouble with Vaginal Orgasm

Dear Dr. Klein,

I can't have an orgasm during intercourse. I have no idea what to do. My husband thinks I'm not attracted to him, but that's not the case.

Dear Reader,

Your situation comes down to a group of related questions: Whose body is it? Whose orgasm? Who sets the criteria for love and sexual satisfaction? What kind of sexual experience are you allowed in this relationship?

Your husband seems to be taking your lack of orgasm personally. In a different situation, this could simply be a matter of naiveté or self-centeredness. But apparently you have told him that his interpretation of your body's response is inaccurate -- and he refuses to believe you. This is deeper than a simple matter of sexual technique. This is a power struggle. And that will kill your sexual relationship much quicker than your lack of orgasm.

Unfortunately, many people -- women as well as men -- are too insecure to tolerate anything less than their partner having a mind-shattering, I-saw-God orgasm every time they make love. These people turn sex into a performance. They may say they're simply being a loving partner -- "Honey, I just want you to have the best time possible" -- but it isn't true. For anxious partners, your orgasm is not about your pleasure, but about their competence.

Until your husband relinquishes his need to choreograph not just his own experience but yours as well, I don't see your relationship improving. People in your situation become resentful or depressed. They avoid sex or fake orgasms. They doubt themselves, and they lose respect for their partners.

The fact is, most women don't have orgasms from intercourse; they need their clitoris stimulated, whether from their hand, a partner's hand, a vibrator, or something else. Many people -- perhaps you and your husband included -- don't know this. But this fact shouldn't matter; your husband needs to accept you not because you're "normal," but because you're you. If you can orgasm reliably in some way, celebrate this with him. If you like, expand your repertoire -- together -- with variations on whatever already works.

If there isn't any way that you know how to climax, see a therapist or Jamye Waxman's book, Getting Off. 

Show this column to your husband, and tell him you're afraid of where the two of you are heading. Tell him that right now, you need your dignity more than you need orgasms. And unlike your orgasm, that's something he can do something about immediately.

~ Dr. Marty Klein