Ask the Sexpert

Christianity and Sex Toys

Dear Libida,

My wife is a strong Christian, she does not masturbate, she won't use toys, she won't let me eat her out and I can't even stick my fingers in her vagina. This was all not a problem before marriage or kids because we use to drink and get a bit tipsy but now she doesn’t drink at all (in 8 yrs). She doesn't use toys, let me eat her out or finger her because she says she simply doesn’t like it.

We have sex 3 - 4 times a week but it is ALWAYS in our bedroom, on the bed, in missionary position. She gives me a blowjob but I can't even touch her vagina with my hand or tongue. She won't get on top, she says my penis is too big for doggie (although when she was 18 it wasn't) so what do I do??

I'm a nympho and love sex! I want it every which way, I want her to cum and have an orgasm, I want to eat her, finger her, etc. I want to have sex in different positions and all over the house. She did not even know much about her clit when we met and she said it's too sensitive to touch or play with. So I have no idea what to do. How can I get her to open up and try more things? *SIGH* I've tried being romantic, dinners, chocolate, cleaning, buying goodies, running a bath with roses beside it, etc. It just doesn’t work! She said she is not interested in SEX and could never have it again and be happy...OMG this sucks. HELP!!! Lol

Dear Reader,

The only person that knows why your wife has changed her mind about engaging in these sexual behaviors is your wife. Who knows what could have happened, perhaps she always regretted her behavior while drinking and now is embarrassed by it, perhaps she’s experiencing her own version of the Madonna/Whore complex where since she has had children she feels she can longer be sexual the way she was. What I do know is that early negative messages about the body and sexuality is hard to break without some work on her part. This may or may not be the case for her but many people who are Christian struggle with this issue – most internally, never discussing it openly. She might have always felt this way and could never verbalize it to you.

It seems as though you have truly made an effort to appeal to her. The fact that you indicated that she said she “could never have sex again and be happy with that” makes me wonder if in addition to the shame issues she may have around sex that she might also be experiencing some hormonal issues. It is not uncommon to see women suffering with estrogen dominance, where their testosterone (the hormone of sexual drive) is not getting its chance to thrive because there is too much estrogen in the body. Estrogen dominance can come about through the use of birth control pills or simply on its own. There are also other conditions to rule out for, such as hypothyroid. I would ask her if she has experienced any other changes like weight gain, low energy or depression. All can be signs that her hormones may not be at the levels they could.

When it comes to sexuality issues, or relationship issues for that matter if one person in the couple believes there is a problem, then there is. It does not need to be unanimous for you as an individual to address this issue. It would be more helpful if she was apart of the process though, especially if she would agree to get some testing done by her doctor. I would suggest finding a sexuality/relationship therapist in your area and go for at least a session or two so you can at least get an assessment by a third party as to what is going on. Discussed out in the open, there may be compromises that the two of you can agree on when it comes to sexual behaviors. And also, if she were indeed feeling shameful about herself or previous actions this would most likely get dealt with as well.

If there is no way to get her on board with wanting to deal with this issue and she wants to stay in denial that it’s a problem for you, you have some decisions to make as an individual. You need to decide how important these behaviors are to you and focus on the fact that you do get to share physical intimacy several times a week. Perhaps your focusing on fantasy will help get you through. However, it is my hope that if you approach her during a non-sexual time and verbalize in a calm and rational way what your issues are AND that you are at the point that you think you both need help sorting this out, that she’ll come around and you can at least work on the issue together as a couple.